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February 03 My face in yours...Here's the skinny - the latest (and greatest?) OXM Vodcast is now live! I bet you have been counting the days since the last one eh? Well, STOP COUNTING.
I wish I was a little bit taller... To view 18 minutes of unadulterated geekery, make sure you head over the OXM.co.uk right now (or click here if you are in a hurry). If some of you are asking 'what a Vodcast?' I can tell you; it's just like a Podcast, only with a V at the front. Literally? It's a video. Specifically? It's a video featuring chat, gameplay footage, questions answered from the forums at OXM and the odd interview too. Check it out and let me know what you think. Cheers peeps. December 29 Gearing up for 2007...A lot of people have had there two cents when it comes to Gears of War. Myself included. Of course a game of this magnitude was always going to attain huge press attention and gamers worldwide (or at least in the US & Europe) were just as eager, finally getting their grubby mits on a title that promised so much. Emergence day has come and gone, but the opinions keep on rolling in. I doubt Epic ever thought they were making a game that would be untouchable or devoid of criticism, but at the same time I can't help but feel that some of the more controversial views are born out of jealousy. At least two representatives of major game studios have publicly panned the title in EA and Ubisoft, and it just so happens that both have games you would consider to be in this new shooter sub-genre of 'cover and fire,' set for release in 2007. Coincidence? Maybe. But whilst I can't comment on Army of Two's innovation or the longevity in the second next-gen Ghost Recon, what I can say with hours of play behind me is that GoW genuinely offers something both innovative and long lasting. Although only by playing a few other winter releases have I truly come to realise it... Having recently acquired both Rainbow Six Vegas and Call of Duty 3, I'm now taking great (dis)pleasure in battling through both games on their respective hardest level settings. Each are equally tough, arguably in their own right much tougher than Gears is when set to 'Insane' (where upon the game seemingly gets easier due to your AI buddies no longer taking the 'Leeroy Jenkins' route of attack). But I digress; having now given both of the aforementioned titles a slice of my time, I'm making very slow progress. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I can't help feel my task would be made a whole lot easier if elements of the cover system employed in GoW was also present in both of these releases. Rainbow Six Vegas does feature a very good cover system, but there are one or two things that it could also benefit from. Firstly a sliding into cover feature, as seen in Gears, would really suit its style of play. Especially as there are many occasions in-game when enemies flock into a room giving you a bare minimum of time to find some solid solace. CoD3 has no active cover system at all, sticking firmly to its FPS roots. Which is fine if it wasn't for the increasing number of heavily armed locales you have to over-run with nothing more than a smoke grenade and luck to aid you in your mission! How much more enjoyable would this game be with the quick swap cover feature as seen in GoW? At the very least you would be able to attack entrenched positions with more gusto, knowing that you can flip between rock, wall or landing at the push of a button. But the point of me mentioning these traits is not to highlight what these game haven't got, but to shine a light on another thing that Gears of War does have. On top of being simply stunning to look at, establishing what will no doubt go on to be a massive franchise for Microsoft (can you see Killzone or Resistance doing the same?), Epic have produced a game that does innovate, despite the jibes of their peers, to the point where I want there mechanics in other titles of this ilk. Surely that is worth some credit? =V= November 28 Sod South Eastern
You gotta love the National Rail service. The same way you 'love' that unsightly facial wart you have no chance of removing without a substantial chunk of your face going with it... 1. "The previous occupant has smeared egg salad on the controls" - So perturbed by the state of his cab, a train driver actually felt the need to tell his captive audience (including me) that there would be a slight delay to the service whilst he cleaned up the mess. Do you know what would have caused even less delay? You not moaning and just getting the fuck on with it, you arsehat. 2. "There is a malfunction in the unit" - About as much use as telling the common commuter that there are leeches in the magical propulsion pipe. 3. "The train has been cancelled due to a driver shortage" - Who cares? Surely the driver of the 6.58 to Eastbourne, carrying a collection of old biffers who have absolutely no concept of time anyway, could wait an extra half hour and we get THAT driver? No? Oh fuck off then. 4. "Someone has been taken ill on the service" - Ok. Well I'm not a doctor, but I'm guessing that the best place for them isn't on a train. Stranded in the middle of nowhere. If anything, I'd expect to look out of the window and see platforms whizzing past at hyper-speed just as the driver announces that we had better hold on to something bolted down - he is planning to career the train into the nearest hospital like some sort of blazing locomotive angel of mercy. But no. A slightly overweight man in his 40's is going to die on a stationary train, surrounded by unfamiliar faces smeared with ink from the Metro newspaper. 5. "We are incompetent shits" - Alright, I made this up. But all the above is tantamount to saying this. I reckon. November 26 LL cool G...with G standing for Ginger in this instance.
Back into the realms of abnormality I feel as if I need to share with you all a dream of mine.
Yesterday evening my nightly mind void was rudely interrupted by a miss Lindsay Lohan - a well known 'actress' whose on screen talents have thus far been vastly outweighed by her off screen mimsy flashing and general shitfaced antics. A girl plainly put on this earth to stir my loins.
8pm? No way, jackass...
Anyway, the general gist of the dream was this; somehow I had landed a date with the hottest Ghin-ger in town and I was preparing for the big night with military precision. I don't think I even got to the actual 'meeting her' part, which says more about my psyche than I should probably reveal, but it was quite exciting nonetheless. How depressing eh?
I think this came about due to catching 30 seconds of a Herbie movie mid Saturday afternoon (probably hilariously entitled something like "Herbie goes fucking nuts!") which featured Lohan in the lead role. Well, the non-automotive lead role.
But the real reason I mentioned all this is because it reminded me of a real life celebrity clinch from my uth. That's right, I once snogged Charlie from Byker Grove. HOLD ON, Charlie was a chick... played by Donna Air. Remember her? This is how I do:
Hello pet. Anyway, it was hardly a long relationship. About 3 minutes. Although looking back I probably should have spent those 3 minutes a little more wisely... ahem.
But as Sunday morning remembrance goes, that was a good'un. Have you got your starfucking wings? Tell me the sordid details (and no star is too small!) in the comments box below.
=V= NovembahIt has been a while eh?
As November shuffles out of the door like a elderly drunken relative, I find myself with a the first bit of free time in a long time. So what better than sharing my monthly musings with you, the faithful 10 readers of this textual tripe...
Firstly I should probably address why this month, more than any other, was such a stressful doozy. Work wise things have certainly kicked up a gear in the wondrous world of the Xbox 360. Or should that be Gears? November has seen more new games released than at any other period in the consoles history, marking the one year anniversary of Microsoft's next-gen wonder with the first truly next-gen title: Gears of War.
And having now spent an extensive amount of time playing the game, my final Hansen esque analysis is this; Does GoW reinvent the wheel? No. Does it offer you free roaming gameplay the likes of which we have never seen before? No. So what is it that takes Epic's title that extra furlong in the eyes of appeased gamers worldwide? I think it's the fact that, what it does have to offer in-game is of the highest quality. From enemy A.I. to a graphical polish that has high-end PC owners drooling. Online the game has toppled the previously untouchable Halo 2 from the lofty perch atop of the Xbox Live charts with good reason - it's frikkin' marvellous! I read Eurogamer's review of GoW (both of them... ha) and wondered exactly what their point was (awarding it a 8 through gritted teeth). Especially the separate online only review, that seemed to have been based on a couple of hours of LAN play.
Anyone who has played GoW online, and there are nearly a million of you who have, will know that it offers a genuinely new deathmatch experience, lag free, whilst maintaining a graphical standard the PS3 launch titles can only dream of.
That's not to say the game is perfect. Cause it isn't. On both Casual and Hardcore your team-members are far too eager to get themselves in the way of enemy bullets, the game itself is too short... a problem that could have been marginally alleviated by allowing you to play on the Insane difficulty setting from the get go. And having completed GoW in just under 4 hours on Hardcore it did leave me feeling somewhat cold, but still eager to go through it all again. Which very few games ever do.
Gears is an awesome starting point for what is no doubt going to be another huge franchise for Microsoft. Check out the OXM RSS newsfeed to the left for rumours of just where it could be heading...
But what else? Oh yeah, the 17/11 marked my own Emergence Day, as this is my birthday. So slap bang in the middle of a month where I had little time to take a breath, let alone dedicate my primary facial orifice to drinking booze, I had to do both. Hardly 'woe is me' but at the time it was taxing!
November in a nutshell
Hopefully December will bring back some sort of structure and normality, otherwise I can see myself slowly withering down into an exhausted husk. Albeit one with loads of new games to play...
=V= November 02 A perfect 10(k)S'up biatches. Updates will be forthcoming (bet you can't wait) but until then I wanted to blow my own trumpet for a brief second and draw your eye to my Gamerscore.
I'm well aware I'm not the first person to get to the revered 10,000 mark but I'm going to chime on about it nonetheless. Consider this that chime. Note to MS: put a bloody comma in the scores above 10k you fules. October 22 Behind enemy lines...My debut in the Pro Evo Media Cup was a mixed affair. The annual event which invites the good, the bad and the ugly of the gaming fraternity to partake in Konami's latest footballing masterclass, offered as many highs as lows. So the evenings proceedings were much like supporting England in a major tournament - promises much, delivers in sporadic periods but ultimately falls short of your expectations. But with Hansen esque analysis, I shall break down the nights action into a highlight package of bitesized info chunks, detailing what I think really matters to you... dear reader.
Geoff Shreeves got shitfaced.
I won my group.
Cesc Fabregas is crap at Pro Evo.
AceyBongos is foolishly patriotic.
Anyhoo, I went out in the knock-out stages. Deprived of my 'good luck globes' (a model at the event had rubbed her ample chest jellies against my eager yet prone body during each of my league games to spur me on. Alas after the event ran long, most of the eye candy left before the end) and full of beer, I was robbed of further glory in a game I dominated in every department but goals. 2-1. Bastard.
But lets not leave it on a downer eh? I can confirm that Pro Evo 6 is a joy. With the niggling fouls of 5 removed, improved (albeit only slightly) visuals and the untouchable gameplay that is its trademark, it is still the standard bearer for virtual soccer in my humble opinion. I've waited over a year for its Xbox 360 debut and I can't wait to waste countless hours winning every league and cup competition from my armchair. Check out some more photo's from the event to the right and leave your favourite football cliches at the end of the day. Sorry, in the comments box below.
=V= October 14 Gears of WarrFor the gaming masses, Emergence Day marks the release of Microsoft's biggest hitter in 2006 - Gear Of War. For me, Emergence day has more literal connotations, as 28 years ago it was I who emerged on November 17.
Nostalgic musings aside, I won't be excited on this day for the same reasons as you. Sure the thought of my celebratory b-day drinks (read: copious amounts of) are enough to get even the most gin soaked of vagabond fizzy in the trousers - but don't assume I won't have a curious eye on Epic's big day too.
Oh no, in fact, I'm gagging for it. It's just I'm gagging for it 'cause I already know how good it is... I've played Gears Of War.
But let me stop beating around the bush and tell you why believing the hype in this case is justified. Gears of War is simply beautiful. Up until that point I had spied all the YouTube footage, carefully eyed up the Marketplace trailer and ran more than just a keen glance the way of every screenshot. But none of this prepares you for the first truly next-gen looking title I have seen thus far. Which is no slight at what has gone before, but more a testament to the team at Epic for hitting GoW out the park graphically.
Having been more than impressed with its looks, finally getting to sit in the hot seat and control either a COG or Locust minion was a pant wetting epiphany. Split into two teams of four, I and the rest of the OXM collective were plunged into a team deathmatch scenario where murder most horrid was the order of the day. Some 3 hours later, and we couldn't get enough of splattering one anothers faces underneath virtual boots.
Basically, in multiplayer you have a number of shields. The first is your health - Gears of War implements a system seen in previous shooters such as Call of Duty and Halo 2, in that your character can withstand a finite amount of sustained damage before going down. Although there are no health bars on screen, when you start to take an ammo beating, the GoW logo appears on screen to alarm you into some evasive action. Should it get blood stained into completion, you hit the deck... but don't die.
At this stage you are simply downed, and by tapping A you can keep your heart pumping in the hope that a team mate can reach and revive you. This is your second 'shield'. In the mean time an opponent can simply leave you to your fate (eventually you will die as you can only prolong your prone body for certain duration), finish you off from where they are with a final volley of fire or move in for the humiliation kill. This can be achieved by firing up your under-gun chainsaw and giving an enemy -1 haircut, or by delivering a boot to the face that is so focused in aggression that it releases the brain from its skull imprisonment. Noice!
Your final shield are the surroundings themselves. Gears is of course played in a third person view, meaning that cover is vital. Tapping A will set your character into a position against the nearest pillar, post or in some cases, abandoned vehicle. Whilst in cover you can survey the battlefield with relative safety, set yourself for an attack and even jump between seperate cover locations when the situation allows for it. This is just awesome to watch. Teams hop between structures with brutal grace and when there isn't anything nearby to slam yourself into, the A button acts as a barrel roll to keep you as mobile and tough to target as possible.
These are merely snippets of info though, and without even divulging single player details I'm brimming with confidence that this game will absolutely meet my expectations. Original, action-packed and most importantly, more fun than watching a Jim Davidson fall down a flight of stairs.
So be thankful - even though you are no doubt counting down the days to release, imagine doing so after having an afternoons worth of teaser play!
You lucky sods...
Leave your messages of sympathy for my plight in the commets box below!
=V= October 04 Underachiever and proud?Despite my recent ascendancy into the upper echelons of games journalism (heh), I have been a veteran of the gaming fraternity for a long time. And regardless of my stumbling steps into the industry, I would still be a keen gamer today even if I were to give up the day job.
Yet as my years increased and priorities shifted, I had noticed a trend emerging in my gamesplay. My fixes had become shorter and based more around 'pick up and play' experiences - long gone were the hours of dedicated slog.
That was until the Xbox 360 came along. More specifically, until Xbox 360 Achievements came along.
They have single handedly (or should that be pointedly?) reinvigorated they way I play video games. With an added luster that had only appeared previously during my 'arcade hi-score bragging rights' stage, I now attack games looking to snap up as many of those 1000 precious points as I can. And I think that the system, for this reason alone, is genius.
It's also why I think services such as LEVELMY360 are utter shite. Here's the science bit; you hand over your gamertag to a bunch of uber nerds and for a fee, they play games in your name with view to boosting your gamerscore. The website states, "we’re now offering this service for X360 owners who want to get their gamerscore up to elite levels!" Elite? A CHEAT more like.
How can any self respecting gamer use a service of this nature? Sure, we have all hawked the web for titles with simple Achievements (thanks EA) but at least we put the time and effort into attaining them ourselves. Why stop there? Too ugly to have intercourse with good looking women? No problem, send me your cash and I'll fornicate on your behalf. Then you can tell everyone about it. You charlatan.
So here is the bottom line as I see it - play games. Enjoy games. Hell, cheat at games. Do not employ pogues to do it for you. Gamerscore or not, this will set you on the slippery slope of shirking hard work for rewards, however minor.
Instead join me in giving the 'V' to Poin(t)dexter!
Ex-06And relax...
September 24 Half-timeWith TGS drifting out of view faster than a non-nitrous enabled Suzuki Swift, we are about to career headlong into the second phase of Microsoft's 'Bringing It Home' campaign.
Although for me personally, 'Bringing Your Work Home' would be a more suitable title for this time period.
X06 happens to land slap-bang on my monthly mag based workgasm and with numerous deadlines to be met and the days to meet them dwindling, it's about time I reached for this...
In fact, right now, I was supposed to be getting ahead of the game by doing a bit (see also: a lot) of work from home. Unfortuantely for me, the server I need to connect to that in turn facilitates this work is taking Sunday off. What a git.
But before I get too gloomy let me just say that despite my ever decreasing hours of sleep, I'm still looking forward to next week. X06 is bound to feature a number of announcements that will raise the bar, and indeed some eyebrows, as the next-gen war for our attention hots up.
My list of big picks?
...well, we can but hope eh?
=V= September 18 'Aye' spyLooky looky!
Our Xbox 360 Live Vision camera has finally arrived in all its dinky green hued glory.
I'll spare you the first hours worth of pictorial tomfoolery - this mostly consisting of us shoving our eager mugs in front of the lens, sullying thousands of pounds worth of HD display in the process. But here are the points worthy of note;
It's tiny. It's pretty. It's a cinch to set up. It works very well.
The only negative we have encountered thus far is that you can't save multiple custom Gamerpics to your hard drive. The one you have is the one that is displayed, change it and the previous image is lost. Boo. Lets hope a future dashboard update sorts this out.
Anyway, having thoroughly satisfied our face lust, furnished ourselves with custom Gamerpics had threatened to move parts of our anatomy the sun doesn't often see into shot, we took up the offer of the only other person we knew with a Live Vision Camera for some video based chat...
Bongo-a-go-go!
Focus...
The OXM mascot gets his eye in
As with all things related to the camera, the video chat also worked very well with a minimum of fuss. For some indepth analysis, why not check out Mr. Boyd's musings on this very subject here.
But I was impressed. So much so that I might actually buy a camera for myself and not kick the dirt waiting for a freebie - SHOCK HORROR!
Here's looking at you kid.
=V=
September 17 FFS, TGS & X-oh-6...This weekend represented the calm before the storm for me. A chance to relax, enjoy my first alcoholic beverage in a month and generally laze about my abode wearing nothing more than pants. So I took full advantage, especially with my time at a premium in the next few weeks...
Those of you with a finger on the gaming fraternities pulse will be aware that on this coming Friday (22nd) the Tokyo Game Show kicks off. And hot on its heels is Microsoft's yearly collar popper, X06. In tandem, a mountain of work they maketh.
An artists impression of my sanity for the remainder of September:
No doubt a number of you would still trade places with me though, quite rightly, so one shouldn't grumble. And I'm not. Honest. I just need moments like this to remind strangers that I have a lot on my plate. It's conscious cleansing - you should try it.
But what are you looking forward to? The inevitable first party franchise updates, new third party titles or my increasingly fragile state of well being? Tell me in the comments box below or I'll start to cry.
=V=
*bound to be isn't there? Isn't there... September 12 Happy Birthday, love Pete. x
Ok, I admit that this fine bottle of 'shame-pain' was not actually addressed to me directly but rather Stephen Brown, the Editor of OXM 360 - The Official Xbox Magazine. We, as a (non-Borg) collective, have successfully completed our first year in the Xbox 360 populated world, and this is good old Pete's small token of appreciation for all our efforts. Ahhhhh. I for one am thankful that he didn't just send pictures of his heavily tattooed sailor arms, proudly emblazoned with a message of goodwill across what he, in his own words, describes as his "guns" But to think that this time last year the Xbox 360 didn't actually exist as a retail product sends my mind into a last-gen induced spasm. Despite the many problems with the worldwide launch, most noticeably with stock restraints, you have to look back in retrospect and say that on the whole, Microsoft nailed it. And with a projected installed user base of 10 million by this Xmas, who is to argue? Loads of people probably. But that is the problem with opinions eh? Anyway, here is to the next 12 months and my continuing quest to see a PS3 game actually running on a PS3, owning Halo 3 (whilst owning you in Halo 3), and the end of my self imposed alcohol ban. Pass the champers! =V= September 08 Acey loves Bongo'sCheck out General Urp (aka Graeme Boyd of Microsoft press release fame) checking out the chest jellies on this hapless zombie waitress at last nights Dead Rising launch party.
I love Boobies & Shopping more like, yah wee radgie!
As for me, I felt like a spare wheel at the do. Currently 3 weeks into a 4 week booze ban (don't ask) and still a relative rookie in the industry, I didn't have much to say. Which renders me pretty useless quite frankly. Think of a vegetarian lion or a straight ballet dancer and you will get the right idea.
Or wrong idea.
Check out some other snaps from the event in the folder to the right. Guess which Zombette I had a fizzy willy for...
=V= September 06 XbiasI'm anxious not to sound like a whining tart. That is a general rule of mine, but in this case I'm being specific.
Yet I can't help but rant...
Xbox Live Marketplace is fantizzmo, don't get me wrong. And whilst the Arcade games, themes and gamerpics are all top notch there is one medium currently being shat on, right under Microsoft's noses. Video.
More specifically, video created and submitted to Marketplace by the likes of IGN, Eurogamer and Gamespot. If you happen to waste your time downloading these visual monstrosities I can only sympathise. Even more so if you happen to have your 360 hooked up to anything larger than a matchbox.
But before I go any further, I should say that my quarrel isn't with these websites but rather with Microsoft and their rather mafioso policy when it comes to acceptable video for their online service.
OXM.co.uk is certainly willing to provide video content for Marketplace and we have submitted edited interviews and game footage to this end. However, to date, no joy. Which is fair enough. But this week I hear that a new Gears of War trailer has been made available over Xbox Live. Upon investigation I see that its part of IGN's Insider coverage from E3 and start downloading.
Whilst watching I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Microsoft had seemingly allowed footage that was recorded and optimised for the web (think of a 400x224 resolution) and just lumped it up on Marketplace wholesale.
Grainy isn't the word. There was so much noise coming off of the screen we were concerned for the stability of our windows.
My beef is this. We (OXM) have invested heavily in an HD camera, a decent edit suite and some fetching branded neck ties (unrelated to this point). Yet a big hitter like IGN can offer the video equivalent of a dry slap to Microsoft and they are willing to accept it, whilst gleefully cooing.
We have been informed of the very strict guidelines that any video submitted to the promised land of Marketplace has to adhere to... but there appears to be either a breakdown in communique across the pond or a slight case Xbiase.
Sort it out Microsoft! We love you like bacon sandwiches and Premiership football - give us our chance and we will give you more HD whizz-bang than a blind fighter pilot. Promise.
=V= Saint's Row in Warm Tea shocker!This is how I ro(w)ll...
Ok. I promise this is the last Saint's Row update I'll post. Until the next one. =V= September 05 Can you guess what it is yet?Johnny 5 is alive?
Nekkid
On the button yet?
Fascia that...
Shiny entertainment
Pimped
September 03 USA! USA! USA!
What is wrong with some American kids? I'd say that 80% of my online play over Xbox Live is perforated by some helium voiced spack-chomper either swearing profusely or calling everyone a "n*gger" Now I'm far from politically correct myself, but even my own sense of hatred towards total strangers pails in comparison to these pseudo Nazis. So in lieu of this fact, I propose a new list of feedback headings designed to fully categorise those Live users who would be better off in a correctional facility...
Feel free to post your own additions. Perhaps we can mail Microsoft en masse and take some affirmative action? Probably not. =V= September 01 You Gotta Row With It...Whilst on the subject of Saint's Row I might as well give you my two cents on the game itself. Why? Well, that is the point of having blog innit.* I've been lucky enough to own the game for just over a week now and having played through some 40% of the main missions (as well as sample a fair few of the Stilwaters other 'activities') it's fair to say that I have an informed opinion...
...which is a chilling break from the norm.
First things first - Rockstar need not worry that their mantle has been taken by the cocky gangland upstart, although this is no slight on Saint's Row part. Just don't expect a reinvention of the GTA inspired wheel here. What you can look forward to is a unashamed doppelganger that is infused with enough of its own character that a passing resemblance to the GTA franchise soon fades out of memory.
Insurance Fraud, gorgeous looks, decent voice acting and some very well balanced missions has put this game top of my most played tree. And what with the 'uth' finally getting their own grubby paws on the game now, there is still online play to look forward to.
I like Saint's Row. And this is despite having a rather pitiful Achievement haul from it thus far... that alone is a mark of a very good Xbox 360 game in my book. If I can still enjoy playing a title these days without a constant stream of reassuring 'b-lnk!' noises and accompanying gamerpoints, Volition must have done something right. Even my fresh copy of the shambling Zombie brawler Dead Rising has yet to dislodge the Row from its comfy 360 berth.
Check it out. Say Verbs sent you.
p.s $1.3m awarded for just one Insurance Fraud crash, beat that bitches!
*Oh and to whine about life. Cheer up you numpties. |
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